allysonkrieger
runonsentence.com

originally published on WildWeb, 9/13/99

Double-Edged Awards
The Emmys Bore but Make It Big Time

By ALLYSON KRIEGER / This year saw Sarah Michelle Gellar vamping through "Cruel Intentions," James Van Der Beek bulked up for "Varsity Blues" and Gillian Anderson dating Jon Stewart in "Playing by Heart." Not that TV stars moving up into movie roles is anything new – but returning to the very same small screen personas that preceded those roles is a pretty modern phenomenon. On the flip side, fall TV finds successful film actors Gina Gershon sniffing in "Snoops," Jay Mohr pushing the limits of crassness in "Action" and Martin Sheen presiding over the nation in "West Wing." Today, actors glide gracefully from small screen to big and back to small again, without stigma and segregation traditionally separating TV stars from their film counterparts. So, what does all this mean to the 51st annual Emmys, you ask?

It means that Melissa Rivers’ "here we are at the Academy Awards" verbal slip-up on the pre-show red carpet was utterly understandable, as the devolution of the caste system in Tinsletown was never more apparent than at last night’s Emmys. Brad Pitt stood studly by Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts grinned broadly for Ben Bratt and Lara Flynn Boyle snuggled up shockingly to Jack Nicholson. Dotting the audience were Helen Mirren, Kathy Bates, Jack Lemmon and Michelle Pfeiffer. Clearly, movie stars are no longer the only ones at the cool-kid lunch table.

In the entertainment business, marquee names mean respect and ratings. This year, with TV reaching new heights in quality (think "The Sopranos," "Sex and the City") and more and more A-list stars flocking to the medium, television’s premiere awards show finally made it big time. Which is not to say that the ceremony wasn’t marked by some eye-rolling wins (Helen Hunt and John Lithgow, again?) and painfully predictable oversights ("The Sopranos" lost Best Drama and "Sex and the City" lost Best Comedy), or that the event itself was particularly interesting.

In fact, with the exception of Edie Falco’s win for Best Actress in a Drama, and maybe Holland Taylor for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama, the acceptance speeches were average, at best. Who really needs to see the whole cast of "Ally McBeal" traipse upstage to drool over an award more deserved by all four other nominees in its category?

Far better than the actual awards were the skits, which included a "Felicity" riff on "NYPD Blue," "The X-Files" and "ER," and an always smugly funny Jon Stewart playing a male version of Riley Weston.

So, in our own little piece of revisionist history, we’ve devised a list of trophies that would've made the night a whole lot more fun.

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Worst Roberto Benigni Impression: "Frasier" writer Jay Kogen, who obnoxiously patted everyone’s head on his way up the aisle, then proceeded to plug his mom’s REMAX dealership, part of which was censored.

Best Sheared Sheep Impression: Keri Russell’s unfortunate new cap-o-curls 'do.

Most Pathetic Attempt at a Shout-Out: "This is for all the underdogs," mumbled David Kelley as an afterthought in his "Ally" acceptance speech, trying to follow the lead of Holland Taylor’s nod to "women over 40" and Camryn Manheim’s famous battle cry for "all the fat girls."

Most in Need of a Bra: Sarah Michelle Gellar, whose high neckline and lack of support made her chest seem, um, low.

Closest Call: David Chase’s near-header up the stage steps en route to accepting his "Sopranos" award.

Hottest Female Hair Trend: Crimped and softened curls. See Jennifer Aniston, Jeri Ryan, Michelle Williams.

Hottest Male Hair Trend: The modified mullet. See Brad Pitt, Dylan McDermott.

Lowest Web-Savvy Quotient: The Emmys’ online poll for TV’s best moments. This was all they could muster to tie in the Internet?

Most Disturbing Lack of Chest Hair: David Schwimmer, whose unbuttoned shirt gratuitously displayed a baby’s bottom collarbone.

Bravest Return: Robert Guillaume, who prefaced his post-stroke return to "Sports Night" by bravely fulfilling presenter duties.

Most Blatant Heartstring Tug: See "Bravest Return."

Strangest Couple: Lara Flynn Boyle (29) and Jack Nicholson (62). Need we say more?

Most Obvious Peer-Pressure Product: Calista Flockhart's choice of a horribly mismatched saffron yellow skirt and shiny white oxford. We know she wants to hide those asparagus spear arms, but there’s gotta be a better way.

Skinny and Proud of It: Lara Flynn Boyle, who refused to change her style despite being compared to Calista on the pages of every tabloid out there. (See "Strangest Couple.")

Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Piece of Grape Bubble Yum: Sela Ward. What was with that purple confection, anyway? Runner up: David Hyde Pierce and his opening-sequence unitard.

Most Misunderstood Presenter: The WWF's Stone Cold Steve Austin, who received blank stares and polite applause from both the Emmy audience and at the MTV Movie awards just last week.

WildWeb | September 13, 1999