My car received a death threat this morning. Under the right wiper was an envelope holding the following message, scrawled in what surely must be mass-murderer handwriting:

"Please do something about your alarm or we'll help someone take your car!"

And then, for good measure, on the reverse side:

"We will be glad to see it go!!!"

First of all, I have a car alarm?! Second of all, does "take your car" mean steal your car, in which case do I get the insurance money? And third of all, what did my car ever do to you, you mass-murderer? "We will be glad to see it go," like it's been the scourge of the neighborhood since we moved here in September.

Harumph.