1987: Sneaking peach schnapps behind the Tilt-a-Whirl (a "very profitable amusement ride"), carrying with pride the pastel plush sharpei your boyfriend won by squirting water into the mouth of a clown, getting fingers unimaginably sticky with hot pink sugar crystals.

2002: Redefining "celebrity" as the hypnotized guy who Thinks He's Tom Cruise!, regretting the second paper basket of fries, paying $6 to buy a goldfish and then toss a dented ping pong ball at glass bowls filled with food-coloring-saturated water.

Does it get any better?